“5 Better is open rebuke
than hidden love.
6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted,
but an enemy multiplies kisses.
17 As iron sharpens iron,
so one person sharpens another.
In their book, Proverbs: Living Wisely, Loving Well, Alicia and Eric Porterfield share the following: Proverbs, chapter 27 contains numerous verses on friendship and several that explore the kind of friends worth having. Interestingly, these verses focus on images of conflict, pain, or friction: the “open rebuke” (27:5), “wounds a friend inflicts” (27:6), and “iron sharpens iron” (27:17).
Implicit in these images is the awareness that our truest friends may sometimes have to be our strongest critics. A true friend is one who will tell us what we do not want to hear, just when we need to hear it most—an “open rebuke.” In modern terms, we may call this sort of rebuke from a friend an “intervention,” when a friend, or group of friends, lovingly confronts another friend about a dangerous or problematic habit or behavior. Jesus encourages this kind of loving confrontation in Matthew 18:15-16.
This kind of “rebuke” or “wound” is actually a helpful hurt, one intended to bring healing. Imagine a wound that has scabbed over on top, but is still festering underneath. It will hurt to remove the scab, but if it is not removed, the infection cannot be cleaned out and the wound will not heal. It needs the openness of light and air—and a good cleaning. Ignoring it or keeping it hidden will not help.
A friend will inflict the necessary hurt of pulling off the scab (hopefully with care!), in order that deep healing can happen. Further, a friend will be part of the rest of the healing process, too, offering love and presence throughout. One of my former chaplaincy-training supervisors called this being “ruthlessly compassionate.” The process may hurt and the conflict may be a bit frightening, but the growth that results is well worth it.
An enemy, however, will not confront us with a painful truth, or “pull off the scab.” Instead, the enemy covers us with profuse kisses and ignores what we really need. The kisses hide what the enemy truly feels. He will tell us what we want to hear and not what we need to hear. There is no compassion for us from this flattering enemy; she is not interested in our growth in wisdom, healing, or well-being.
“Iron sharpens iron” over time, with friction eventually rubbing off what is not needed or necessary. The result is a piece of iron better suited for its purpose. In the view of Proverbs, that purpose is to live well and wisely in faithful and humble relationship with God and others. Everything that does not help this process can be filed away, like one piece of iron files another, through our relationships with God and others.
Eric and Alicia Porterfield